tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post115435423273200038..comments2024-01-23T18:21:17.066+00:00Comments on Surroundings: Deleted PoemRobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17046788730174617923noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154630254525163292006-08-03T19:37:00.000+01:002006-08-03T19:37:00.000+01:00LarryYour edit is interesting. It certainly has im...Larry<BR/>Your edit is interesting. It certainly has impact and I guess - given its length - it would be easier to place in magazines. It gains something on my original. It also loses something too of course, particularly in terms of distinct voice. I'll probably do some work on the poem in a few weeks' time, when I've got a bit of distance from the draft. Thanks for the ideas.Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17046788730174617923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154579565066344502006-08-03T05:32:00.000+01:002006-08-03T05:32:00.000+01:00Hi Rob,This needs much clipping and some rebalanci...Hi Rob,<BR/><BR/>This needs much clipping and some rebalancing to keep the tv calamities from seeming self-serving. There is a lot of rambling esp. in S3, the repeats sound melodramatic to me, and I'm not sure switching your location from indoors to out and back again is a good idea.<BR/><BR/>Here's a stripped down version; check if you really find the circular rambling style effective to convey passive guilt or perhaps more important to give charge the pictures with more strength and unspoken rage.<BR/><BR/>Mute<BR/><BR/>If you train a telescope on my house from the zoo’s high hill<BR/>you will find me through some window or other, placed like<BR/>an exhibit in an IKEA showroom<BR/>as bombs crash down like collapsing stars on some distant<BR/>city in the dark.<BR/><BR/>There may have been children crying beneath the rubble.<BR/>It’s hard to tell from this distance, with the sound<BR/>turned down. The bombs float<BR/>like balloons.Larryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13384528388062112189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154516770457984782006-08-02T12:06:00.000+01:002006-08-02T12:06:00.000+01:00Thanks everyone.Thanks everyone.Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17046788730174617923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154470788560987422006-08-01T23:19:00.000+01:002006-08-01T23:19:00.000+01:00Now that is impressive, making hotmail seem romant...Now that is impressive, making hotmail seem romantic. "my contact list lengthening like a shadow,".<BR/><BR/>This is lovely, a real gut-puncher.<BR/><BR/>"there is a child. I know that soon there will be a hand<BR/>stretched out, and the camera will focus in, as if misery<BR/>is only misery when it squares up eye to eye<BR/>with an impassive lens."<BR/><BR/>wow...<BR/><BR/>EloiseEloisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02909201699145307027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154428705517870562006-08-01T11:38:00.000+01:002006-08-01T11:38:00.000+01:00I like your poem.I like your poem.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154419932418109652006-08-01T09:12:00.000+01:002006-08-01T09:12:00.000+01:00Rob,the last line should be read :[you're the true...Rob,<BR/><BR/>the last line should be read :<BR/><BR/>[you're the true poet]<BR/><BR/>Sorry for the error.ufukhatihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10883978381850950194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154419697635950802006-08-01T09:08:00.000+01:002006-08-01T09:08:00.000+01:00Rob,you see the bombs,you hear the crying,you writ...Rob,<BR/><BR/>you see the bombs,<BR/>you hear the crying,<BR/>you write the poem,<BR/><BR/>[you're not the true poet],ufukhatihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10883978381850950194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16166950.post-1154403291931001042006-08-01T04:34:00.000+01:002006-08-01T04:34:00.000+01:00Glass, Rob, and hands.Interesting what floats to t...Glass, Rob, and hands.<BR/><BR/>Interesting what floats to the surface when we're writing, huh?<BR/><BR/>Glass, hands, and war.scavellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18210830693679186251noreply@blogger.com