I quite like this but I struggled reading it. My problem was, that I imposed a 3/4 rhythm on the lines
when shoals ripe for freezing / have slumped into crates
˘ ¯ ˘ ˘ ¯ ˘ / ˘ ¯ ˘ ˘ ¯
and couldn’t get the waltz out of my head. My fault, not yours.
The repetition of the word 'crates' jarred a bit. 'Crates that have been sealed' would solve that but maybe screw up you rhythm. I also kept reading 'bring INto focus'.
I especially like ' wind’s empty mouth' though I'm not sure what you're getting at when you say ' the pier of myself'.
lashing piers wing strafing wind ripe red unshaven face creating a has-been worn out at the pier with no routes, s/he can thorn more than injure a mouth
slumped self when empty of focus my truck bring why after rod
~~
Just experimenting, writing through, responding, a verbal ekphrasis, tommy stearns hose in da cat house, you long time, long time, you get long time wiv moi, $5000 an hour for a professional deep acting sex actress at the Hilton Hotel, s/he said the rate/s were fixed, and no dashing off, s/he would get the full hit, 30 G for six of 'em, wiv walter mitty the lyre ling time, long time, do it all night, druidic knocking shop, massage parlour of the id and go e men s/he is the fictional placebo weighting the veil between this world and that s/he is our leader is indisputable, if it can be proved s/he lives in print, reflection of what goes in, s/he Poetic, assimilation of two distinct accents, jostling in the voice to be heard, neither wooley-back nor scouser, but caught between to forces, dis and dunt thee doh lah dee arts pooh-a-tree, trail nea laddsie, no from wee-als we wuz when it suited, Alba, cock a doodle doon, farkin scam boot bhouy, phwoar a fully normal englishmun, oop norf culture, irish blood, roight daagghhhrrn sarf landen we neal dawn, torque loik da d'yerz gerrit?
That form says we are a work of secondary hands, tasked by transference from sibling to parent wo/men makers self begot beings we know no time sealed mystery manifest in the ember when our spirit was not before us, love a point of view new creation doctrine remembered which remember we did, spark whence knowing learnt ember in a dying race who saw when this was remember, re-ember mah thou quickening self power-raised by our own gods Abc diel inglais lied furiously i levelled with Satan for soon his power, expect to feel
on thy head his devouring funder and fire 28 to 92's
storms off the 93E palace no last lines, Book 5
bullshit 'bout rhythm in beauty, sound the way
for sense converges blank freely lessons us how to write verse on bland rustled seraphs Abdiel spake four faithless friends faithful only to themselves, beleif found among they hearing post-ages pooh, a tree 'em 'n us who
draft back: gathered at the gulls, freezing howl
lashing Superior violence Milton feared retorted
scornful darts his back turned on: those proud owners of swift destruction doomed Labels: piers of truth from this constant mind, unchanging wing
strafing wind Among innumerable foe
with ripe red unshaven faces
unterrified, Unshaken unmoved, unseduced he passed a crown thornless His loyalty s/he creating a has-been industry slumped worn soldier fishy routes through self-hostile pierless s/he thorns he kept his love, hi S zeal; more than a number, an e xample more than winds oar mouth when empty of focus my truck injured, verbal forth a rough mist wrought by singular rod/s experimenting writing through just textual ekphrasis, tommy stearns hose false, swerve with him from then when we sustained our way scorned and outfaced..
I quite like this but I struggled reading it. My problem was, that I imposed a 3/4 rhythm on the lines
ReplyDeletewhen shoals ripe for freezing / have slumped into crates
˘ ¯ ˘ ˘ ¯ ˘ / ˘ ¯ ˘ ˘ ¯
and couldn’t get the waltz out of my head. My fault, not yours.
The repetition of the word 'crates' jarred a bit. 'Crates that have been sealed' would solve that but maybe screw up you rhythm. I also kept reading 'bring INto focus'.
I especially like ' wind’s empty mouth' though I'm not sure what you're getting at when you say ' the pier of myself'.
Just a few observations – hope they help.
Hear post the ages;
ReplyDeletea new poem for us who
draft back: gathered
at the sealed mystery,
we manifest as ember
gulls, freezing howl
lashing piers
wing strafing wind
ripe red unshaven
face creating
a has-been
worn out at the pier
with no routes,
s/he can thorn more
than injure a mouth
slumped self when
empty of focus my
truck bring
why after rod
~~
Just experimenting, writing through, responding, a verbal ekphrasis, tommy stearns hose in da cat house, you long time, long time, you get long time wiv moi, $5000 an hour for a professional deep acting sex actress at the Hilton Hotel, s/he said the rate/s were fixed, and no dashing off, s/he would get the full hit, 30 G for six of 'em, wiv walter mitty the lyre ling time, long time, do it all night, druidic knocking shop, massage parlour of the id and go e men s/he is the fictional placebo weighting the veil between this world and that s/he is our leader is indisputable, if it can be proved s/he lives in print, reflection of what goes in, s/he Poetic, assimilation of two distinct accents, jostling in the voice to be heard, neither wooley-back nor scouser, but caught between to forces, dis and dunt thee doh lah dee arts pooh-a-tree, trail nea laddsie, no from wee-als we wuz when it suited, Alba, cock a doodle doon, farkin scam boot bhouy, phwoar a fully normal englishmun, oop norf culture, irish blood, roight daagghhhrrn sarf landen we neal dawn, torque loik da d'yerz gerrit?
That form says we are a work
ReplyDeleteof secondary hands,
tasked by transference
from sibling to parent
wo/men makers
self begot beings
we know no time sealed
mystery manifest in
the ember when our spirit
was not before us,
love a point of view
new creation doctrine
remembered which
remember we did, spark
whence knowing learnt
ember in a dying race
who saw when this was
remember, re-ember mah
thou quickening self
power-raised by our own
gods Abc diel inglais
lied furiously i levelled
with Satan for soon his
power, expect to feel
on thy head his devouring
funder and fire 28 to 92's
storms off the 93E palace
no last lines, Book 5
bullshit 'bout rhythm
in beauty, sound the way
for sense converges blank
freely lessons us how to
write verse on bland rustled
seraphs Abdiel spake four
faithless friends faithful
only to themselves, beleif
found among they hearing
post-ages pooh, a tree 'em
'n us who
draft back: gathered
at the
gulls, freezing howl
lashing Superior violence
Milton feared retorted
scornful darts his back
turned on: those proud
owners of swift destruction
doomed Labels: piers
of truth from this constant
mind, unchanging wing
strafing wind
Among innumerable foe
with ripe red unshaven
faces
unterrified, Unshaken
unmoved, unseduced
he passed a crown
thornless His loyalty
s/he creating
a has-been industry
slumped worn soldier
fishy routes through
self-hostile pierless
s/he thorns he kept
his love, hi S zeal;
more than a number,
an e xample more
than winds oar mouth
when
empty of focus my
truck injured, verbal
forth a rough mist
wrought by singular
rod/s experimenting
writing through just
textual ekphrasis,
tommy stearns hose
false, swerve with
him from then when
we sustained our way
scorned and outfaced..
Jim, thanks for reading and commenting.
ReplyDeleteDesmond, not sure what all that was about...