Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Sonnet (deleted)

deleted

6 comments:

Student said...

"the supermodel
had to concentrate to cry"

Yeek. Comment for an era. Nice going, Rob.

Cailleach said...

"She read the will / and cursed the sweet revenge of Auntie Lil – /a legacy of bargain lingerie."

Plain nasty and nice rolled into one: will/Lil/legacy/lingerie
I might be tempted to put 'laced' where 'sweet' is but that could be overkill too... never mind!

Rob Mackenzie said...

Thanks. Actually, "sweet revenge" is a dead cliché that has to go. I'll add "laced" to the contenders. Also, I've just noticed "easier" in the penultimate line. Easier than what? I mean just "easy", don't I, except "easy" doesn't scan. Grrrrr...

Rob Mackenzie said...

And now I've realised the penultimate line has 6 feet, not 5. How do I miss these things? Well, that's why drafts are drafts...

Jee Leong Koh said...

Hi Rob, good idea for a sonnet, and enjoyable writing. Do the last two lines continue the speaker's ironic assessment of the model or do they aim at a more general and tragic sense of death and loss? It struck me that if the sestet tries to get into the model's mind, that would provide an intersting volte, and set up the last two lines for a strong ambiguity of tone. Just a thought.

Jee Leong

Rob Mackenzie said...

The last two lines are more general at present, and I'm not totally happy with that. But yes, if it could be more ambiguous as to who was making that statement, it would be interesting. Thanks.