Ground Rules for Alopecia

1. To remain bald without considering your options is an unacceptable flaw.

2. The attempt to disguise baldness with toupees and comb-overs is the equivalent of destroying acne by setting your face alight over a gas hob.

3. Bald heavy metal fans are constitutionally designed to grow pigtails.

4. Hair extensions are classy. If you feel confused by this, you have failed to grasp the distinction between fakery and accessorising.

5. The vast majority of bald individuals are secret hairdressers.

6. Sinéad O’Connor and Michael Stipe became stylishly bald. The concept of manufacturing what would naturally appear disastrous is the bedrock of most capitalist enterprise.

7. Consider, in no less than 3,000 words, the link between receding hairlines and great intelligence.

8. Do not neglect a bald patch; a daily shampoo has proved invaluable therapy for alopecia deniers with self-esteem issues.

9. Baseball caps are useful hiding places for bald rappers.

10. Monks do not shave their heads for reasons of humility or to profess a lack of vanity, but because God is bald.

11. Accountancy represents the sum total of meaningless existence. Bald accountants represent the same sum in negative terms.

12. Phil Collins and Elton John became bald at a point in their careers when this no longer mattered. They were ready to bland out. The bald cannot aspire to critical acclaim.

13. Elton resorted to expensive hair transplants. Perhaps he wanted to return to his early 70s form, but eventually settled for a wig. We knew the bald Elton too well for any greatness to come of it.

14. A knotted handkerchief on the head will lose you any last vestiges of sympathy.

15. Patrick Stewart is the exception to every rule.

16. Every poem you read will steal a hair from your head.