I like the pace of this. Not sure about the first image, though: would a heavy sack 'drag on' anything? And what does 'hours drag on shadows' mean anyway? Second Stanza is very good. Do you need 'and snow'? 'Who see a rose rise from the earth/and beat it down with bricks'?
Had a poetry crisis during a Les Murray reading. My blogg has details.
I'll give some thought to the first image. "And snow" is a little awkward. A verb might be better (to keep the terameter, I need something). "...and bloom" maybe.
Interesting experience at Les Murray, Shug. I might comment later.
2 comments:
I like the pace of this. Not sure about the first image, though: would a heavy sack 'drag on' anything? And what does 'hours drag on shadows' mean anyway? Second Stanza is very good. Do you need 'and snow'? 'Who see a rose rise from the earth/and beat it down with bricks'?
Had a poetry crisis during a Les Murray reading. My blogg has details.
Thanks Harry and Shug
I'll give some thought to the first image. "And snow" is a little awkward. A verb might be better (to keep the terameter, I need something). "...and bloom" maybe.
Interesting experience at Les Murray, Shug. I might comment later.
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