Thursday, November 24, 2005

Tinkering

That poem, Smile, that I posted earlier this week: I keep tinkering with it. I felt it wasn't clear that the son had died. It now looks like this. Maybe I'm now being too blatant.

A smile won't fade with death. Her son
is grinning still from magazines,
from playgrounds, bikes and prams – a mine
of memories and could-have-beens.
A smile won't fade with death, once known.

2 comments:

Messalina said...

Would it help if you were to revert to the original and amend the repeat line to:

"A smile is slow to die"

Rob Mackenzie said...

Maybe. But the "slow to" bothers me a little because I really mean "never". I had "never" in the original draft and thought it might sound melodramatic, but in this case I think the possible hyperbole is true.