I'm not quite sure where to place this - at first I'm thinking middle-east then the beehives make me think '50's (or is it '60's) america. I'm also a bit confused about the fact that one minute I'm in a main street salon then suddenly I'm in a garden with swings etc. Just a bit confused but that's not unusual for me, hope this is at all helpful!
sorlil I think you're right that the switching of scenes doesn't work.
The lack of specificity of place and time was a deliberate strategy - a juxtaposition of the familiar and strange creating a slightly surreal aymosphere. I'll have to think about whether that works too.
I really liked this Rob: there's a surreal atmosphere to the piece which is bolstered by the economy of sentiment employed within the poem. It's refreshingly objective, I think, but at the same time reveals undertones of individual concerns and emotions. Cheers for posting it up.
Oh, and I recently got my contributor's copy of the Red Wheelbarrow issue 14 through; must say I enjoyed 'Sea Story' and its unusual use of form.
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I'm not quite sure where to place this - at first I'm thinking middle-east then the beehives make me think '50's (or is it '60's) america. I'm also a bit confused about the fact that one minute I'm in a main street salon then suddenly I'm in a garden with swings etc. Just a bit confused but that's not unusual for me, hope this is at all helpful!
sorlil
I think you're right that the switching of scenes doesn't work.
The lack of specificity of place and time was a deliberate strategy - a juxtaposition of the familiar and strange creating a slightly surreal aymosphere. I'll have to think about whether that works too.
Thanks for the feedback.
I really liked this Rob: there's a surreal atmosphere to the piece which is bolstered by the economy of sentiment employed within the poem. It's refreshingly objective, I think, but at the same time reveals undertones of individual concerns and emotions. Cheers for posting it up.
Oh, and I recently got my contributor's copy of the Red Wheelbarrow issue 14 through; must say I enjoyed 'Sea Story' and its unusual use of form.
Thanks Ben. 'Sea Story' was an experiment for me, so I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed your 'SOS' too in issue 14.
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