Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Another Poem

Poem deleted.

But thanks for reading and commenting.

4 comments:

Harry said...

I don't know if you're looking for suggestions, but I think it's a little slow to get started.

I *love* 'Too Much Elton In The World".

Harry

Rob Mackenzie said...

Thanks Harry. I think you're right. I'll try to shorten the first strophe.

apprentice said...

I like the iron roar of King's X
Think the intro could be sharpened/pared.
I love the football part, very clever and witty.

Not sure about the conclusion, it seems a bit too polite. Would be interesting to know what you hoped for from such a long journey, good company, peace and quiet, that they'd all get off at York?

No mobile phones, you were lucky...

"I'm on the train..."

Rob Mackenzie said...

I suppose I was trying to ask an existential question - whether I'd rather be left alone but bored or have the vacuous conversation, which has its compensations (and also its vacuity).

And these two sides of the aisle have their counterparts in many life-situations.

I may not have put enough of the narrator into the poem.

I'll have to delete it in about 4 hours time - just in case you wonder where it's all gone next time you look.

I chopped the beginning and made a few other small changes.

Thanks for the useful feedback.